If you want it, you have to make it happen Pretty obvious, right? However, I’m really good at talking myself out of a situation because I have what I now recognise as imposter syndrome and I’m good at procrastinating. I know I’m good at procrastinating because when I got my latest phone and checked the digital wellbeing app it came with, I realised how much time I spent on my phone. All those hours I could have done something productive like sort my studio, started that piece of work that’s been stewing as an idea for ages, contacted a gallery, applied for something etc. I’ll never get that time back. My imposter syndrome generally manifests as anxiety telling myself that I’m rubbish so why bother; it’s has reduced me to tears on many occasions. If I listened to myself though I would’ve missed out on the experiences I’ve had. When I went back to college it was the first thing I was doing for myself for years, I’d been a stay at home parent and struggled with post-natal depression, I had little confidence left however I knew I wanted to do something creative. Art had always been a hobby. When I walked into the class, I thought that I didn’t belong there. I stuck it out and studied for four years achieving my Ba Hons degree. It was such a difficult four years; my children were still very young, juggling study with home stuff was really hard and stressful, I snapped and said several times I was quitting. I knew I’d regret it if I did quit and upon graduating I went straight into a paid creative job and won a residency in an art studio. Those opportunities wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been determined to finish. There have also been many times where I have had the opportunity to show work that I felt really unsure about; again imposter syndrome tells me nobody would be interested. It always means a lot to me when someone says they like it, they have a connection to it, some have said that ‘they just had to have it’ and of course I feel on top of the world for a while. I usually go to London to be a part of an exhibition or see a show and I’ve nearly talked myself out of it a few times. I can guarantee once I’m there, I don’t want to come back yet, because there’s so much to see and do! Let’s hope this virus goes away soon so we can all jump at the opportunity to travel and socialise again! Stephanie Croydon ©2020
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